I am a narcissist, and a new mother. It is a difficult thing to balance. Taking care of an infant leaves little time for admiring oneself in the mirror. I am also about 15 pounds heavier than I would like to be and have really fallen off of the ‘ole grooming wagon. There is just no time! There is never any time! How can you be vain if you don’t fit into your jeans?! How can you be vain if you are still wearing MATERNITY JEANS six months after you’ve given birth?!? ::BEAUTIFUL HEAD EXPLOSION::
There is a solution! You can still venerate your good looks by, get this, ADMIRING YOUR CHILD. You created this little creature. You and your partner, who is obviously also extremely attractive, worked together to spawn this brilliant, beautiful, beast. This is your descendant! I look at my son and I just beam with pride because he is gooooooorrrrrgeeeeous. I feel like if I stare at him too long my face will melt off like the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Anyway, all parents have the right to feel like this. Even if your child’s face looks like a boxing glove. When people compliment your babe, they are directly complimenting you. So when my son Truman is rightfully complimented on his big, alert, eyes that are framed with maybe it’s Maybelline eyelashes, they are complimenting ME! It makes me want to flutter flutter flutter my eyelashes until they fall off.
Tangent time! I have always been vain. Vanity Smurf is my favorite smurf. Walking around, admiring himself in the mirror, acting like he’s the shit. Vanity Smurf is a true role model. Looking at me, it would be hard to conceive me as vain. Other than the perfectly applied eyeliner (I am not an animal), I don’t look like I take care of myself at all. It seems as though my uniform of ratty old Keds, holey jeans, and a t-shirt is worthy of Joan Rivers’ wrath. This is true, with the exception of my shirts. My t-shirts are vintage and rare, they are worth more than your soul. I suppose I should try a little harder, maybe wear more dresses or something. I don’t know. I am a contradiction–a lazy egomaniac. Eh. To be fair, all bloggers have a touch of egomania. To think that anyone would want to read your incoherent ramblings and run on sentences, you’d have to be just the slightest bit vain. To wrap this up, when you see me, compliment my son and I will return the favor. Everyone deserves to feel good.