I have been doing a lot of reminiscing lately. Especially about high school, since I’ve been watching a gajillion teen shows for my new blog Thirtysometeen. Oh, have you not checked out my new amazing blog? It is hilarious. We watch Degrassi so you don’t have to. Anyways, I had a fine time in high school. It wasn’t great, it was just FINE, okay. Like any reasonable person, I have a few regrets. I wish I could pull a Never Been Kissed and go undercover as a high schooler for an investigative report, because I would the the HBIC up in that piece now. But without further blathering, here are the top five regrets I have about high school.
1) I wish I listened to better music.
Now this is a problem that all young people have. They just inherently have terrible taste in music. But for god’s sake, I purchased a PAPA ROACH CD with my own (my parents’) money! I was also really into 311 in high school. I had not yet realized that all of their songs sounded exactly alike. I liked 311 so much that I had videos of their concerts and would doodle their logo all over my notes. I had a huge crush on the lead singer, Nick Hexum. I am both impressed and ashamed that I remember his name. A quick google image search just now totally validated my crush, because he is still pretty foxy. I also had a giant femboner for Brandon Boyd, the lead singer of Incubus. All this is good and fine, but it doesn’t excuse the fact that I memorized all the lyrics to “Nookie”. When I was writing this I immediately got this song in my head. I apologize for what is to follow.
2) I wish I was nicer to my parents.
It’s not like I was MEAN to my parents. But you know, just typical teenage behavior. I was never disrespectful, just a little sulky. I could never even imagine being one of those kids who scream “MOM AND DAD I HATE YOU!” and slam the door to their room. I know I disappointed them by not living up to my potential. I also came home drunk in the middle of the night on more than one occasion. Y’all, that’s not cool. I was a bad kid and my parents are great people. I skipped school, failed classes, and stayed out all night. I just regret making my mom and dad worry about me, that’s all.
3) I wish that I had actually tried, even just a little bit.
Obviously, I am of above average intelligence. Now, what would have become of me if I had applied myself, even just a teeny weeny bit, in high school? Would I be a successful Rocket Surgeon ? Would I have been able to date Richard Branson instead of just working at his store? Would I have finished community college in the expected two years instead of three? Maybe I would’ve been the goddamned voice of my generation. Who knows? If I had actually went to class instead of hanging out at the Whataburger across the street or at largest swimming pool in Texas, all of the above may have been possible.
4) I wish that I was truer to myself
In high school I stifled my weird a bit. I still blurted out non sequitors and corny jokes in class, much to the chagrin of the other students, but I didn’t really let my freak flag fly. I wish I had been even more out spoken, made even MORE terrible jokes, and wore a lot less Abercrombie & Fitch. It wasn’t until right after I graduated, coincidentally (or not) when I met Chad, that I really came into my own. I remember strutting around in my Iggy & the Stooges shirt and red cowboy boots and feeling unstoppable. If I have had that much confidence in high school I probably would’ve been the literal queen of the school, and had minions to do my bidding.
5) I wish I had not lost my virginity to a guy that already had two girlfriends.
Whoa, TRUTH BOMB! Losing my virginity was so unceremonious! It was not with a boyfriend, or someone I even liked that much. I did it indiscriminately because I wanted this guy to take me TO A SCHOOL DANCE. Then, he didn’t even take me to the dance because HE ALREADY HAD TWO GIRLFRIENDS. To make matters worse, or better I guess, at the time of my deflowering, I was drunk off Parrot Bay coconut rum and Big Red. You may consider this to be TMI, but I see revealing this extremely personal information to be a sort of PSA to any young girls out there. “Don’t lose your virginity to a guy just so he’ll take you to a dance. He already has two girlfriends.” LIFE LESSONS.
Reminiscing period over. I am spreading myself a bit thin lately with my numerous blogs, numerous you say? I thought you just had two? No, I have three, please check out my new hilarious parenting blog, Contractually Obligated, that I am co-writing with my amazingly funny friend, Lola. I will still try to post on this one at least once a week. I have much more personal information to reveal.