So, you all want to hear an embarrassing story. I guess I will give you one. THE GAUNTLET HAS BEEN THROWN. See, It takes A LOT to embarrass me. I am constantly falling down, or saying something stupid so I have become pretty immune to embarrassment, so I had to dig deep for this one. This is a story that I had blocked from my memory, until it was drudged up by this hilarious It Happened To Me post on XOJane about Kotex Personals Protective Panties. If you are unfamiliar with Kotex Personals Protective Panties, just take a look at these fucking things:
MY GOD, they are even larger than I remember. It is basically just pink crepe paper crudely shaped into panty form. In a pinch they can be used to decorate a 2 year old girl’s birthday party. That being said, if they still made them, I WOULD TOTALLY USE THEM. But let’s get to my ~traumatic tale~*. So I was 15 and doing this play with my good friend, Nicole and I had a crush on this dude in the cast. OF COURSE I DID, that’s what happens when you do plays when you’re a teenager, HELLO. Anyway, this guy, we’ll call him Aaron, was kinda the stud in the cast. I think most of the girls had a crush on him. I’m not quite sure why, because he was tall I guess. Inexplicably, he responded to my awkward attempts at flirting and ::gasp:: flirted back with me! HE SHOWED INTEREST!
Now, up until then I did not have much of a romantic history. Boys did NOT like me. Well, there was that guy in the 7th grade who liked me so much he carved my name in his arm (not Letty, but LETICIA. My full name. WHAT?!). But that guy is cancelled out by this guy I had a massive crush who literally told me to “Fuck off.” every single day. I had bushy eyebrows and braces, had to wear Gap Kids jeans and had only been kissed once, and that was with my boyfriend’s best friend, and it was a dare. (Confessional run on sentences don’t count.) So, Aaron giving me attention was PRETTY major for me.
Our flirtations finally came to a head (SERIOUSLY NO PUN INTENDED) at an unsupervised cast party at his house after a matinee. It was a crazy party y’all. Kids were sitting on the couch drinking vodka, and smoking pot. WHAT? In the Sweet Valley Books when The Wakefields did something like that at a party, somebody died. Well, the only thing that died that day was my dignity. Aaron asked me if I wanted to go upstairs to his ~parent’s room~ and I was like, “Shit, okay.” As I followed him up the stairs, I couldn’t help but think that it was my lime green velour mock turtle neck with a flower relief pattern that finally sealed the deal.
We get up stairs and start smooching, and it is super pleasant! I am enjoying everything that is happening in this moment! Things escalate and Aaron gets a bit handsy, but still I am like, “Okay sure, this feels all right. Good. Good. Okay.” Well, his hand creeps down lower and lower towards my pants, and that’s when the brakes should have gone ::SKRRREEEEEEECH:: but no, no they didn’t . And goddammit, somehow I was so caught up in my make out excitement, that I had completely forgotten that A) I was on my period, and B) I was wearing those giant fucking pink paper underwear. Things continue to move along when all of a sudden he stops and says, “What are these?” Fucking shit. To this day, never in my life had I wished more that I was Zack Morris and could do one of his “TIME OUT“s. HOW DO YOU COVER FOR THAT? WHAT DO YOU DO? Sadly, I cannot really recall what I said or did at this terrible moment. I probably just babbled and/or opened and closed my mouth repeatedly like a fucking goldfish. Man, I really wish I could remember, but it remains deeply buried in the annals of my mind. Yeah, I see that word, it looks like anals.
Oddly, or maybe just because he was 14 (yeah–I didn’t mention he was younger than me), he was not deterred by my enormous paper granny panties. We continue to make out, only now he THANKFULLY keeps his hands in the top quadrant. Unfortunately, this story isn’t over. We finish making time, and he goes to the bathroom and I hear him go “SHIT.” He comes in and says, “You gave me a hickey! My girlfriend is going to be pissed.” ::HEAVY SIGH:: one more time, ::HEAVY SIGH:: YEAH, IT HAPPENED. So what do I do? Do I go downstairs and get my friend and go? Do I punch him in the neck? No no. No no no, instead I help him cover it with his mom’s makeup. THEN I go downstairs and leave, crinkling all the way out the door. I still can’t believe I gave him a hickey, that is SO gauche.
Girlfriend or not, and regardless of the fact that he hooked up with at least two other girls in the cast, a few parties later I slow danced with him to a Savage Garden song, so I guess it was all worth it. I want to stand with you on a mountain, bitch.
P.S. I am serious though, if they still made those protective panties, I would totally wear them. IDGAF.
P.P.S I also happen to have a video of me falling on my ass during a karaoke performance of “Bootylicious” that is pretty mortifying. But, I am saving that shit for a different time.
P.P.P.S I feel like I should get some sort of award for this.
* SELF PROMOTION! If you liked this embarrassing story, you should go check out our Mortifying March contest we had at Thirtysometeen, and feel free to send us your anonymous ~omigah~ stories. You could win a prizebox!