Grabbing 2014 by the Balls

2013 was mad chill.  In that it was pretty uneventful, I THINK.  I don’t know, I can’t recall any major events.  Which I think is a good thing, that means everything was easy cheesy.  No drama, trauma, or baby mommas. No bad, sad, or angry lads. (I received a rhyming dictionary for Christmas.)  2013 gave me exactly what I could have wanted, friends, fun, and family.  Isn’t that what everyone wants?  Sure, there were peppers of excitement throughout the year, but nothing worth re-mentioning.  Let’s look forward now, it is a new year tomorrow, 2014! Today is the first day of the rest of your strife!

Let’s see, 2014.  All right. Already it doesn’t resonate with me as much as 2013.  It’s the 13 that I am going to miss, really.  I like prime numbers.  We will leave it dorkily at that.  At least we can all take comfort that when you break down 14, 1+4=5.  It’s the Law of Fives!

photo courtesy of Hail Eris!

So, perhaps 2014 will be an exciting year after all.  I am going to turbo bomb the shit out of 2014.  I am not sure exactly what that means, but it sounds vaguely kick ass.  We are always so deludedly hopeful at the beginning of a new year.  We make goals!  If you are an NFL kicker, as many of my readers are, and in the playoffs, you make field goals!  But y’all, goals are stupid.  Don’t make goals, make PLANS.  Because then later in the year, when people ask you if you’ve followed through with whatever lame thing you’ve set for yourself, you can yell, “I’M PLANNING ON IT.”  Plan can be used as a verb, goal can not.

Regardless of that previous paragraph,  I will share my plans and inspiration for this year.  I plan on writing more.  I know, I say that shit all the time, but this time maybe I will have some goddamn follow through.  Kolleen and I are going to revive Thirtysometeen! We will write words about dumb things!  I plan on actually performing with one or all of the many bands that have loosely created.  It has been well over a year since I’ve sang with a band for an audience, and that is a true travesty. A talent such as mine should not be hidden from the world.  I plan on maintaining my trim figure, because I worked hard last year, and the compliments, in addition to fitting into old clothes, are awesome. Plus, exercising is oddly satisfying. Who would have thought?  I have lots of other plans of course. They include painting, getting better at playing the drums, continuing to help Truman become the coolest kid ever, and all sorts of other mess. There is no need to list them all here.  I have a whole year to get shit done!

Now I will share with you three things that will serve as inspiration to me throughout the new year.  2014 YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET BEAT LIKE A MAN BOXING A KANGAROO!

Bob Seger recording “Little Drummer Boy” is hands down the most intense thing that I have ever watched. Skip to :43 for the goods.  May I tackle everything with such fire and aplomb!

VASQUEZ!  One time at kickball, before the game, there was a softball team practicing on the field.  There was a woman in charge, and she looked just like me, except more commanding and with bigger muscles.  She was awesome.  She was Prison Letty.  Vasquez is Space Prison Letty.

Dolph Lundgren on a water ski.  ‘Nuff said.

With that, I wish you all a very happy and prosperous new year!  May your life be as chill as mine.

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