To Sum it All Up, I am a Terrible Person.


Okay Okay, so I am woefully behind on the Blog Every Day in May Challenge.  But y’all are just going to have to deal with it.  It is not my fault I have a lively and active social life.  Plus, we bought a drum set on Friday, and shittily playing the drums can be a real time suck.  A word of advice for beginner drummers, don’t listen to The Police and try to play along, you will get very discouraged.  Stewart Copeland, I KNOW YOU READ THIS BLOG, I just wanted to say that you are such a stud.  You deserve a pat on the back! Today I give you Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday’s posts all wrapped up in a crap burrito. I will do Tuesday-Thursday  tomorrow.  Let’s get this shit on.

Day 24, Friday: Your top 3 worst traits:

RIGHT ON. Now, this is a writing prompt  I can really sink my teeth into.  It combines my two favorite things, talking about myself and being negative.  SLAM DUNK!   I was so excited that I actually started writing this on Friday, but fell into a fit of idleness and never crawled back out.  I have a lot of terrible traits, some that I am well aware of and encourage, and some that I am probably blind to.  I was half tempted to make a Facebook post, “Name my top three worst traits, GO!”, but in the end of thought better of it.

Let’s see, we all know I’m conceited, and I am judging you right now as you read this. So other than those two deficiencies, I think my top three worst traits are that I am argumentative, a-know-it all, and habitually tardy.  Those are all the makings of a PRETTY shitty person, so yeah, I am the best.  Being a know-it-all and being argumentative pretty much go hand in hand, and makes you THE LIFE OF THE PARTY.  I mean, who doesn’t love the girl who won’t shut up about how Super Mario Bros. 2 is the jankiest of the series.    I JUST HAVE A LOT OF OPINIONS, OKAY.  And, well, I like to run my mouth.  Deal with it.  As for my tardiness, it is my pleasure to quote the great Toto, “Love isn’t always on time.”

Day 25, Saturday: Something someone told you about yourself that you’ll never forget (good or bad)

One time after a performance of a play, this little boy walked up to me and said, “You’re pretty than my mom!”, which is probably the best compliment I will ever receive in my life.

Day 26, Sunday: Something you read online. Leave a link and discuss, if you’d like.

This is nothing new, but David Thorne always kills me.  He is funniest ever.  I can read his work over and over and die laughing every single time.  I will never be as funny and it makes me want to slam my fingers a car door.

http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html

http://www.27bslash6.com/f26a.html

http://www.27bslash6.com/foggot.html

http://www.27bslash6.com/matthewsparty.html

Day 27, Monday: A letter to your readers

Dear Readers,

I am having the BEST time at summer camp.  All the kids are really cool, and I am getting really good at archery!  Me and this other girl in my bunk made a bet with each other as to which one of us would lose our virginity first.  Cross your fingers it’s me!!  When I come back to school in August I really want to carry the air of sophistication that one can only acquire from having awkward sex on a damp blanket in the woods.  Tomorrow night we are having a camp social and I’ve been praying every night that Nicky Thomason asks me to dance.  He looks so good in his jams and his Tony Hawk haircut is the RADDEST.  Though I am having fun, Readers, I really miss you!  You are my best friend Readers, and I will always love you.  These next few weeks are going to seem like an eternity without you! But I’m sure some bug juice will help me get through the pain.  I have to go, it’s time for arts and farts and crafts, and we are making macrame pot holders today!  I will see you soon Readers, don’t forget about me!  READERS+LETTY=VBFFF!

LYLAS,

Letty



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I Ain’t Learned Nuffin’


So today’s topic is “things you’ve learned that school won’t teach you”.  FART.  School didn’t teach me anything.  The only thing I learned from school is that some Native Americans did something called “second harvest” where they dug through their poop to find undigested pieces of corn to eat.  I learned that in 7th grade Texas History but my husband thinks I made it up.  I mean duh, obviously I learned SOME things in school.  Hello, I am writing/typing RIGHT THIS SECOND.

Clearly, I am not really feeling this prompt.  So I will take the slacker way out and just make a list.

Letty’s School of Hard Knocks:

  • Not all drugs are not bad.  Some drugs are great, the key is MODERATION.
  • It is okay to wear denim on denim, do not fear the Canadian Tuxedo.
  • Moccasins are the shit.
  • Dry humping is awesome.
  • Don’t be afraid to say something stupid if you think it’s funny.  The most important thing is to amuse yourself.
  • Always carry lotion in your purse.
  • A smile, especially if you have dimples, can get you a lot.
  • Thrift stores are great.
  • Always, ALWAYS groom your eyebrows.  If your eyes are the windows to your soul, your eyebrows are the fucking curtains.
  • Listening to glam rock gives you a lot of confidence.
  • When in doubt, watch Rocky IV.

I could go on and on, because apparently, I am very sage.  With that, I am out.  Smell ya later.



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Board Games are Dying!


Yes, that’s right.  Board Games are a lost art!  Board games, more like BORED games, amirite?! When I was a wee child, not yet knee high to a door mouse, board games were a thing of great beauty.  Now they are as entertaining as a pile of turds. Okay, that’s not true.  There are still a lot of good board games, but the blog prompt was to rant about something, to get up on my soapbox and say how I REALLY feel.  Well, shit.  If you know anything about me, you know that everything bothers me.  So, how was I supposed to choose just one thing to vomit my opinion all over?  I tried to think of the most trivial things that bothered me, and I decided between either people who act like they are too good to eat at chain restaurants (hello, Olive Garden is delicious, and Red Lobster–cheddar bay biscuits, get into my mouth right now.), or that there isn’t any cool as fuck board games anymore.

After seeing a picture of Kolleen with crimped hair made me want to play Mall Madness, I decided to go with board games.  Really, it is just an excuse to talk about rad board games. Mall Madness, Ask Zandar, Dream Phone, Party Mania, Girl Talk–those games were the shit!  Why don’t they make awesome games like that anymore?  I happen to have two versions of Girl Talk at my house, replete with zit stickers if anyone wants to come over for a slumber party.  Last time I played Girl Talk with people it was on a Thanksgiving and we got bored half way through and decided to change the game to Woman Talk.  Woman Talk just consisted of us putting dares in a hat.  I don’t remember much, but I do recall that lots of gin was consumed and I spent the majority of the time in my bra.  Woman Talk is so risque!

I’ll tell ya one thing, board games definitely don’t have cool commercials anymore.  Just take a look at these gems:

God, this game caused me so much anxiety.  What’s more fun than having a panic attack when you’re 7?

Also, game these days don’t require a ridiculous amount of part and set up.  Do you remember Mouse Trap or Don’t Wake Daddy?  Half of the fun was setting up the game.  Actually, all of the fun was setting up the game, because they weren’t actually all that much fun to play.  I had Grape Escape, and that game had a shit ton of plastic parts, and involved playdoh, which I just smashed into the carpet.

Ah yes, nostalgia.  There are still good board games around, and I am GREAT at all of them.  Seriously, I challenge anyone to beat me at Balderdash or Scattergories.  But, I just miss the epic games of yore.  At least you can still buy Guesstures.  It’s basically just charades, but you can use the clapboard that comes with it to make fake movies with your friends!  All this talk about board games just made me want to get drunk and play games with my friends.  I think I made my weekend plans! Well, the getting drunk part at least.



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I’M THE BEST AROUND!


My friend Derek/Billy told me the other day that I should start singing Joe Esposito’s “You’re the Best Around” but alter the lyrics to reflect the first person.  “I’m the best! AROUND! Nothing’s gonna ever keep me down!” He is a wise soul.  Today’s challenge is to list links to some of my favorite posts I’ve ever written.  Join me as I pat myself on the back.

Vanity Smurf: This was my very first post that I ever made here.  It’s about balancing vanity and new motherhood.

Beardo Missed Connection:  I like this one just for the picture.  THAT PICTURE!

Fifty Shades of Grey?  No Thank You, I Have Wifey: I will never read Fifty Shades of Grey, I don’t need that tripe clogging my brain.  I will however always love Judy Blume.

The Annoying Kid in Class: Don’t let your kid be THAT kid.

Procrastination Station: Here I talk about my many failures.

A Million Years Later: My Roast Post: I had a roast for my 30th birthday.  My friends are ruthless and hilarious.

The Five Studliest Studs to Ever be Studs: I have a thing for dads, apparently.

A Journey Through My Twenties, Pt1, 2, & 3: A quick jaunt through the most attractive years of my life.

My Patented Closet Organizing System 3000: My closet still looks like this, but at least now all of the clothes are clean.

Now, this is hands down one of my favorite posts.  Please read my harrowing tale from the HEB bathroom, It Could Happen to Poo.

I hope y’all enjoy reading about my many foibles.  It’s been fun for me to go back and read because I found a lot of David Bowie videos I forgot I had posted!   Also, it was nice to see that I have a clear and consistent writing voice.  It is a little obnoxious, but this pleases me. ::taps fingers together villainously:: Really, all of my posts are literary gold.  You should just read them all. If there was a Pulizter for blogging, I would already own that bitch.  Suck it Philip Roth.



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Now in 3-D!


Sike.  I missed Saturday and Sunday’s blog challenges because I was too busy leading a life of leisure, so I am throwing three posts, that’s right, THREE POSTS in one RIGHT INTO YOUR FACE.  Let’s get started before I get fatigued.

Day 18, Tell a Story from Your Childhood:

For some reason I think I am supposed to write about a sad moment from my childhood, because the challenge said to “dig deep” and remember details and what I ~felt~.  Well, tough shit.  As I am a human being, I did experience some sad times during my childhood, because who didn’t?  Jeez.  Instead I am going to talk about some of my favorite ~sisterly~ memories.  I have two sisters, my oldest sister is named Lisa, and she has hazel eyes.  My middle sister is named Erica, and she is the Mexican Reese Witherspoon.  There is an 11 year difference between Erica and I, so growing up was awesome because it was almost like I was an only child, except I had teenage girls to entertain me.

Erica was a bit of an enigma to me when I was really young.  She was popular, on the high school drill team, and had her own thing going on.  Her room was off limits.  My older sister Lisa was kinda like a second mom to me.  She used to wake me up in the mornings and help me get ready for school.  This was not an easy task.  I am not what one would call a morning person as mornings are for suckers.  I have very vivid memories of her brushing the tangles out of my hair and brusquely pulling it back in a ponytail while I shrieked the entire time.

One time when Lisa came to pick up from kindergarten, all of my classmates and I were standing around the flagpole waiting for our rides.  When Lisa walked up to come get me, everyone screamed and ran away because I had told them that she was “the meanest girl in town.”  Eh, she wasn’t really all that bad, on the days that we had a particularly rough time leaving the house in the morning, she would take me to get donuts holes and chocolate milk on the way to school.  That is worth a million bucks to a 6 year old.

I never wanted to go to bed when I was a kid, I always thought I was going to miss out on something.  My parents were pretty lax with my bedtime and often times I would get the opportunity to hang out with my sisters and their friends.  When they got tired of me hanging around, my sisters told me if I didn’t go to bed they were going to turn out all the lights and the cockroaches would get me. Thanks, guys. Erica had a high school boyfriend that I really loved.  His name was Jesse and his mom was a veterinarian so he had all sorts of awesome pets at his house.  He was really sweet to me and would draw pictures of Ninja Turtles for me and took to me to meet former San Antonio Spur, Sean Elliott.  A few times Erica and Jesse took me to the jetties with them to wade and collect things for his salt water aquarium.  I specifically remember him having a sea anemone in his aquarium and watching it eat was simultaneously awesome AND gross.  Jesse also helped me make school projects because even in the 3rd grade I was a huge slacker.  He helped me make a diorama for my Kareem Abdul Jabbar report (I guess I was into basketball at the time???) and a sweetass sea otter marionette out of paper bags.   I wanted her to marry him, but she said he was too immature for her.  I can’t imagine what would make her think that.

In general, I have great big sisters.  But, because they were so much older, and because they were a part of my family, they had a bit of a mean streak.  They enjoyed teasing me, and would sometimes play jokes on me.  One time we took a family vacation to Monterrey, Mexico, and somehow we forgot my suitcase at home.  My parents had to buy me all new clothes in Mexico.  My sisters took this as an opportunity to tell me that with my new Mexican wardrobe and because I was sooo BROWN that I was indistinguishable from any other Mexican kid selling chicle, and they would never let me back over the US/Mexican border.  I cried. Excellent work sisters, excellent work. ::HIGH FIVE::

My sisters helped shape who I am today, and I love them for it.  Here is a picture of little Letty for your enjoyment:

Damn, I was cute.

Day 19, 5 of my Favorite Blogs:

This one is easier.  I probably could have done it yesterday, but I was too busy reading Sookie Stackhouse novels (don’t hate) and playing Game of Thrones Ascent. I already mentioned my girl Kolleen, so I going to share some other blogs that I enjoy reading.

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First off damn, I gotta hawk my own shit. Thirtysometeen is great.  It is a guilty pleasure paradise.  I often go back and read our recaps of Degrassi, Skins, and other teen shows and laugh my ass off.  God, we are funny.  We have some more recaps coming up soon, even more embarrassing stories from our readers, plus my fake bro Matthew is partaking in Saved by the Bell Roulette, where he has to recap an episode we picked randomly for him.  Good stuff is coming!

I love reading my friend Lauren’s Blog, It’s Me…The LD.  Her writing is hilarious and full of heart.  She goes from sharing lovely stories from her past to posting Beyonce videos, and that is something that I can really get behind.  I find her everyday adventures engaging, and I could not be more excited for her wedding in October.

My lovely friend Chloe has a wonderful blog called Stitch in the Sea.  She is so inspirational!  In addition to being a tall drink of water, she is a wonderful step parent to two freakishly cute twin boys, and is creative and immaculately dressed to boot.  Stitch in the Sea is a one stop shop for cooking, crafting, AND fashion. Seriously, check her shit out.  I could not recommend it more.  Also, you can purchase some of her awesome, sassy embroidery from her Etsy shop, Stich in the Sea.

I am blessed to know a number of truly funny and skilled writers, and my friend Lola is one of them.  Her blog, Composing Lola, is filled with delightful illustrations and clever anecdotes.  If I could write like anyone, it would be Lola.  I briefly had the pleasure to write with her at our not yet failed parenting blog, Contractually Obligated, and I look forward to her reviving it!  Please write more Lola, the public (me) demands it!

Last but not least, I have to give my childhood best friend Nicole a shout out.  She blogs over at Unfinished Bidness.  She is a new blogger, but is already a skilled and engaging writer.  Head over to her site and give her some encouragement!

BONUS! I highly recommend you read Michelle Mirsky’s essays, No Fear of Flying: Kamikaze Missions in Death, Sex, and Comedy, over at McSweeney’s.  They are heartbreaking and hilarious, and I am in awe of her talent.

Day 20, Get, Real.  Something I Am Struggling With:

This prompt aggravates me. What does “get real” even mean?   Is what I write not considered “real”  just because I choose to keep my topics light hearted and complain about superficial things?  I don’t think that makes what I write any less “real”.  My stupidness is spread far and wide for everyone to see.  While I may not tug at your heartstrings,  I WILL tug at your fartstrings.

That being said, I guess I will try to be legit and talk about something I am kinda struggling with.  Lately I have been feeling a little concerned that I am not spending enough time with Truman.  I mean, I know I’m a good mother, but recently I feel like I have a been a bit selfish with my ME time.  Let’s not get excited now, the boy is not neglected in the least.  I spend PLENTY of time with him, and the kid is slathered with attention.  Just Monday-Friday, I could probably take more time out to read a couple more books or build a really bitchin’ lego tower with him.  When I’m cooking, instead of getting irritated by him stepping on my toes, I could pick him up so he can see what I am doing.  It’s a quick fix really.  That’s why it’s a just minor concern.

Not to change subject but you know, Chad is a  great father and husband, and I am grateful everyday that he supports me in my stupid endeavors.  He knows that I while I don’t have a crazy active social life, it’s important for me to leave the house and hang out with other bozos every once in a while. I gotta say, I am one lucky bitch. Also, I’m extremely proud that Truman is truly the chillest toddler ever, and it’s never really a problem when we go places to hang out with my friends. For the most part, they all think he’s a joy. It probably helps that all of my friends are just overgrown children themselves and can relate to Truman on a truly visceral level, but I appreciate that about them.

So, I guess what I’m really struggling with is having a super swell life.  Golly fucking gee.



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Letty of Yore


Really, how am I supposed to pick just one favorite photo?  I am simply a jewel, so it was nearly impossible to choose. Also, some of  my favorite photos of me have to be scanned, and I JUST DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT RIGHT NOW.  I ended up going with this picture, because the angle makes me look long and lean, and dare I say Jean Sebergesque?

Alternates:

Bachelorette Letty knows how to party. 



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We’re Experiencing Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By.


Today I am supposed to discuss something difficult about my “lot in life” and how I am working to overcome it. Now, I don’t want to sound too much like Joe Walsh, but life’s been good to me so far.  Really, the only adversity that I’ve had to face is being short and not being able to reach the things I want in the supermarket.  This is especially perilous in the yogurt section where I have to stand on the ledge and am in danger of knocking several yogurt containers to the ground with my bosoms.  The worst part about this is, NO ONE WILL HELP ME.  They see me struggling, and they just walk on  by.  Help a height deficient girl out, will ya?

Anyway, so I’ve lived a semi-charmed kind of life thus far (knock on wood), so I am going to talk about some temporary difficulties that have been plaguing me as of late.  I have a raging ear infection in my left ear and it is KILLING ME.  I can’t hear out that ear, so I am constantly going “WHAAA” or “Speak up, child” or my favorite, “Do what now?!”

Seriously though, this ear infection has been a nightmare.  It is so fucking painful, and I had a natural childbirth.  The whole left side of my face is throbbing, all the way down my neck to my collarbone.  It makes it incredibly difficult to be cordial, which isn’t my strong suit in any case.  For some reason (my husband), I put off  going to the doctor because I figured it would just get better.  But no, no, that’s not the way infections work, stupid.  They just get worse, and more painful the longer you wait.  DUH. Last night my ear hurt so much that I couldn’t sleep and I had to watch the Wendy Williams Show in the middle of the night, which is terrible in itself.  “How you doin’?”  Horribly Wendy, I am doing horribly, thank you.

Okay, so on top of my incredibly painful ear infection.  MY INTERNET DOESN’T WORK.  Why am I being punished so?  Has all of my shade throwing finally come back to me ten fold?  Someone was supposed to come and fix it yesterday, but they didn’t come, and in my current state I couldn’t be bothered to call AT&T and have an argument with their automated system.  If you ever want to see me apoplectic with anger, make me use an automated system. I have cried tears of frustration from using an automated system.  JUST LET ME SPEAK TO A PERSON, GODDAMMIT.  Not having the internet at home is a HUGE deal for me, because that’s how I watch TV, and that’s what sets us apart from the apes.  Right now, I am no better than an ape, staring at the wall with my finger in my ear.  I have to write these blog posts at work, which is difficult because I can’t hear, so I can’t hear my boss’s petite feet as she walks up behind me.

So, that’s where I am in life.  I feel a little better now, because complaining is one my favorite hobbies. But If you see me, and I look extra grumpy, offer to take me to get some frozen yogurt or something.  You only live once, FROYO!



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Just a Perfect Day.


It’s day 15 of Blog Every Day in May.  We’re half way done!  I honestly can’t believe I’ve stuck it out this long, because I LOOOVE quitting.  Today’s prompt is “A Day in the Life”.  I read the news today oh, boy.  I think I lead a pretty normal life.  Let me give you a rundown of how my days go.

I usually wake up around 8:30, looking lovely and ready to start the day.

I make sure to brush my teeth very thoroughly, nobody likes a dirty mouth!

Then I carefully apply an appropriate amount of makeup and admire my handwork in the mirror.

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After that, it’s time for a healthy breakfast!

Then it’s off to work!  I am an excellent employee and I always get a lot of work done, and never slack off EVER.

After some hard labor, I enjoy lunch with a friend.

I usually only work until 3, after that I wander around HEB, Walgreens, or Target because I looooove to spend money I don’t have.

After I finish shopping, I pick up Truman and we go home and play in the backyard.

Then it is time for dinner.

After dinner, sometimes I will go out and have a drink or two with friends.

Then after a long day, I am ready to hit the sack and go to sleep.

It is exhausting being me sometimes.



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Fappiness is a Warm Glove


10 things, teeeen things, 10 things that make me happpppy!

  • The mother/son dance Truman and I shared last night in the kitchen to Stacey Q’s “Two of Hearts”
  • Playing music with my friends

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  • The movie, Just One of the Guys. Specifically because of William Zabka and some of the best breasts in 80’s movie history. TOP CANZ!

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  • The fact that Doug Flutie did a drop kick in his last NFL game. That shit is historic.
  • Pizza, pizza always makes me happy.
  • These guys:

  • The song “Hey Sandy” by Polaris.  If you can listen to this song, and not smile once, you are a heartless bastard.
  • Jarvis Cocker

  • Naps.  Naps are just the most wonderful thing in the world. They are even better when you are joined by a cat or two.

Now you know 10 things that make me happy.  There are lots more, including eBay, and records, and DAVID BOWIE, and squirrels.  I mean, didn’t even go into the schadenfreude shit.  That would take all day, and I do not have all day.  I have naps to take.



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A Public Apology


Dear World,

I am sorry I am constantly giving you side eye. It’s just that you are continuously wearing questionable clothing, or saying/doing stupid things. I will make every attempt to reel in my bitchiness if you put forth even the tiniest effort to not suck so much. I hope we can work together to keep the wrinkle between my eyebrows from getting deeper.

I love to hate you,
Letty

 

 




 

 

 

 

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