Tag Archives: humor

Day 5: Mondays are For Bitching


You may have noticed that there is a jump from Day 2, to Day 5. Well, Day 3 & Day 4’s prompt was a combo entitled, “Cook a Thing. Do or Do Not..there is no Try.” I didn’t cook a damn thing all weekend, I didn’t even try.  Instead, last night I ate a Taco Bell soft taco while waiting in the drive-thru of Long John Silvers, drunk off the entire bottle of Prosecco I downed at kickball. SUNDAY FUNDAYS! I take really good care of my family, y’all.

Today’s prompt is Monday’s Are For Bitching, well actually it says Mondays are For B@#tching, but I never censor myself.  Fuck that.  HI GRANDMA!  Everyday is for bitching as far as I’m concerned.  But, Tuesdays are my favorite day to complain.  I have made the joke, “TUESDAY, more like BOOsday, AMIRITE?” several times over the course of my life. I am using the term joke very loosely here.    I am trying to channel Garfield and get in the I HATE MONDAYS spirit, but it’s difficult as I am coming off a pretty solid weekend. Perhaps this picture will help.

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“I might as well exercise…I’m in a bad mood anyway.” Garfield speaks from the heart.

It helped a little.  Thus far I have had a pretty good day.  I was only moderately annoyed at work, and I consider that to be a huge success.  But there are always things to bitch about.  THE DAY I STOP BITCHING IS THE DAY I DIE.  There is always something to complain about in the mornings. Like this morning,  I was almost thirty minutes late to work, just because I was dragging ass, and then right when I was on the way out the door I had to poop.  Why does my body continue to betray me will ill timed poops? Talk about Benebutt Arnold.  Traitor. I hadn’t even had coffee yet.

Another thing that REALLY pisses me off is I encounter like 50 million 4-Way stops on my way to work.  PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW HOW TO OPERATE 4-WAY STOPS, MAN.  It’s like their brain seeps out their ears when they pull up to the damn stop sign.  YOU CLEARLY GOT THERE FIRST, GO.  JUST GO, ALREADY.  Oh god, and if they try to wave me ahead when it’s not my turn like I’M THE DUMB ONE, that really makes me go full berserker.  Then there are the people who decide to start going when I am already like half way in the middle of the intersection. WHAT IS THAT, EVEN?  4-Way stops really make me wish I was Gambit so I could whip a playing card out the driver’s side window and make the other person’s car explode.  There should be some sort of mechanism in cars that when the driver improperly operates a 4-Way stop, angry bees swarm out of the vents and assail the driver. 4-WAY STOPS REALLY GET ME GOING! Sorry, if I’m all aggro.  The bridge from Electric Funeral is being played really loud right now, and Black Sabbath always gets me all excited.

So, that is my bitching.   My own body/poop and 4-Way stops is what I chose to bitch about today. HMMMPH.  Now you have a small glimpse of what it’s like to hang out with me.  Let’s be best friends.

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Happy Valentine’s Day Dummies!


I am a huge dorko, so I made these Willow themed Valentine’s for you all!  I love Willow.  I will forever have a huge gigantic crush on Madmartigan, and have vowed to name my next pet after him.  Enjoy nerds!

willow, valentine, warwick davis

 

brownies, willow, valentines

 

sorsha valentine

 

willow, valentines, madmartigan, val kilmer

 

I love Willow, and I love you!

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Grabbing 2014 by the Balls


2013 was mad chill.  In that it was pretty uneventful, I THINK.  I don’t know, I can’t recall any major events.  Which I think is a good thing, that means everything was easy cheesy.  No drama, trauma, or baby mommas. No bad, sad, or angry lads. (I received a rhyming dictionary for Christmas.)  2013 gave me exactly what I could have wanted, friends, fun, and family.  Isn’t that what everyone wants?  Sure, there were peppers of excitement throughout the year, but nothing worth re-mentioning.  Let’s look forward now, it is a new year tomorrow, 2014! Today is the first day of the rest of your strife!

Let’s see, 2014.  All right. Already it doesn’t resonate with me as much as 2013.  It’s the 13 that I am going to miss, really.  I like prime numbers.  We will leave it dorkily at that.  At least we can all take comfort that when you break down 14, 1+4=5.  It’s the Law of Fives!

photo courtesy of http://www.poee.org. Hail Eris!

So, perhaps 2014 will be an exciting year after all.  I am going to turbo bomb the shit out of 2014.  I am not sure exactly what that means, but it sounds vaguely kick ass.  We are always so deludedly hopeful at the beginning of a new year.  We make goals!  If you are an NFL kicker, as many of my readers are, and in the playoffs, you make field goals!  But y’all, goals are stupid.  Don’t make goals, make PLANS.  Because then later in the year, when people ask you if you’ve followed through with whatever lame thing you’ve set for yourself, you can yell, “I’M PLANNING ON IT.”  Plan can be used as a verb, goal can not.

Regardless of that previous paragraph,  I will share my plans and inspiration for this year.  I plan on writing more.  I know, I say that shit all the time, but this time maybe I will have some goddamn follow through.  Kolleen and I are going to revive Thirtysometeen! We will write words about dumb things!  I plan on actually performing with one or all of the many bands that have loosely created.  It has been well over a year since I’ve sang with a band for an audience, and that is a true travesty. A talent such as mine should not be hidden from the world.  I plan on maintaining my trim figure, because I worked hard last year, and the compliments, in addition to fitting into old clothes, are awesome. Plus, exercising is oddly satisfying. Who would have thought?  I have lots of other plans of course. They include painting, getting better at playing the drums, continuing to help Truman become the coolest kid ever, and all sorts of other mess. There is no need to list them all here.  I have a whole year to get shit done!

Now I will share with you three things that will serve as inspiration to me throughout the new year.  2014 YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET BEAT LIKE A MAN BOXING A KANGAROO!

Bob Seger recording “Little Drummer Boy” is hands down the most intense thing that I have ever watched. Skip to :43 for the goods.  May I tackle everything with such fire and aplomb!

VASQUEZ!  One time at kickball, before the game, there was a softball team practicing on the field.  There was a woman in charge, and she looked just like me, except more commanding and with bigger muscles.  She was awesome.  She was Prison Letty.  Vasquez is Space Prison Letty.

Dolph Lundgren on a water ski.  ‘Nuff said.

With that, I wish you all a very happy and prosperous new year!  May your life be as chill as mine.

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Terrible Things are Happening in the World, So I’m Going to Complain About a Skirt.


I’m back!  I just needed to take a brief hiatus so I could collect my thoughts, reevaluate my life, and do some real soul searching. PFFFFFFFFT   Yeah right, I squandered these last few months watching  Duran Duran videos all by myself.  That is only a slight exaggeration. While I did spend an inordinate amount of time ogling Duran Duran, a lots of things happened these past few months.

Let’s see!  I got a tattoo.  It is a seagull loteria card, and it’s rad, and it didn’t hurt, and I still like to stare at it and rub it lovingly.  My parents do not like it, but they have begrudgingly accepted it.  I mean they have to, as I am a 31 year old woman (Oh yeah!  I forgot!  I had a Soft Rock birthday since my last post.  I am year older now!  Listen to this playlist! Seriously listen to it, it is so good.)

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~TRASH BIRD FOR LIFE~

Anyway, I am a 31 year old woman and I can tattoo whatever creatures on my body that I want, AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME.  The only one of my family members that likes my seagull is my oldest sister Lisa.  My other sister Erica laments that it is too large and that when I wear formal gowns it will look declasse.  This is a pretty valid concern though, because I am constantly going to balls and galas, et al. Not a weekend goes by where I am not at the Governor’s Mansion or a high school dance.  My favorite reaction was from my mother, who said, “People always asked me if I ever thought  you’d get a tattoo, and I always said no.  You’ve made me a liar.”  HAAAAAAA! SO DRAMATIC.

Y’all, Truman turned two!  WHAT?!?  We celebrated by doing a whole shit ton of nothing, but he had a great day anyway.   Almost everyday is a great day when you’re two years old.  He is growing and developing!  He is talking more every day and has started Spanish lessons.  His teacher said he is very attentive and makes attempts to say the words.  I am proud of that little bugger!

Just look at that little scamp.

Just look at this little scamp.

We didn’t really do anything for Truman’s birthday because we went on a family vacation a couple days later.  Or, rather, we intended too.  First we had to deal with The Great Evans Passport Debacle of 2013.  I don’t really feel like talking about it, because I am still pissed about it, but I will give you the gist.  We were all packed and ready to leave, when the night before we couldn’t find our passports.  The only passport we could find was Truman’s.  We turned our filthy house upside to find those bastards.  To this goddamned day I do not know where our original passports are.   It was quite the ordeal.  I would like to thank my parents, Expedia, and the Houston Passport Agency for getting us to Mexico.  ::round of angry yet enthusiastic applause::

Mexico was awesome.  Duh.  We went to an all-inclusive resort.  Nothing too exciting, but excellent all the same.  It was mad chill.  I went zip-lining, snorkeling, and ate at buffets a lot.  I got sick twice! I also managed to skin both of my elbows on a water slide.  So you know, memories that will last a life time.  Really though, I had a lovely time with my family and Truman loved every minute of it.

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But let’s get to the real reason I came here–to complain about something really trifling.  I am sorry, just HAVE to bitch about this.  Right then, so let the bitching commence!  Okay, so I had based my entire fall/winter look on this one black skirt, and had already bought shirts to complement it and everything. I even got my hair cut based around this fucking skirt.  I was planning for a 60’s French girly tomboy look, like my all time fashion icon, Jean Seberg.  It gave me a super valid excuse to buy even more stripey Bretonesque shirts.  It was going to be a welcome change from my scruffy summer look of jorts and t-shirts.

Who wouldn’t want to emulate her?

Anyway, so I go to Target yesterday to buy said skirt, and I CAN’T FIND IT ANYWHERE.  It’s like it NEVER EXISTED.  But, I know that it wasn’t a figmentof my imagination because I had previously purchased the same skirt in grey.  Why did I buy it in grey, instead of the more useful black?  I don’t know, because I am dumb.

This skirt is described as short and flippy, and that is just what I had in mind.  I imagined myself in my little black flippy skirt and stripey shirt, skipping down the sidewalk, carrying a picnic basket, and wearing a giant bow on my head.  I was to be the cutest bitch since Marlo Thomas in That Girl. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooO, Target screwed me over! I still managed to spend almost $100 dollars yesterday, because in a fit of madness I purchased, this, and some other random shit.

I know know, it is seriously the lamest thing to be mad about ever.  Especially since it is just a basic black skater skirt that you can get almost anywhere. They are very popular this season.  Since I started writing this, I have already found several adequate replacements.  I even found a stripey one, and a flirty lil’ denim one. It took me literally five minutes to find all of these skirts.  I spent more time moping about the stupid thing than I did googling it.  IN CLOSING, I am going to be so cute this fall y’all!  Everything is fine and wonderful!  The world is great!  I will try to start writing more!  Here is an entire episode of Charmed Lives, a Who’s the Boss spin-off featuring Fran Drescher.  Enjoy!

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I May Be Dumb, But I Have Excellent Taste in Music


All right suckers, three more posts!  Tomorrow is the very last one, so I will let it stand alone.  It is much more dramatic that way.

Day 28, Tuesday: Only pictures

I can’t follow instructions, so here are some photos of me being dumb!

This was taken in July.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Slut Dress

YUS!

Day 29, Wednesday: Five songs or pieces of music that speak to you or bring back memories. Use Grooveshark or YouTube to include them in the post

I do this all the time anyway in lieu of writing an actual post.  Man, I looked at some of the other posts for this challenge, and some people have horrific taste in music.  I know it is all subjective, but I am right, and you are wrong.  I am just going to post some songs I’ve been digging lately.  THEY ~SPEAK~ TO ME.

Age of Consent-New Order.  Man, this song seems like it was created just for MLC to cover it.  It is so fucking good.  Damn.

Give Me Some Kind of Sign- Brenton Wood.  Everything about this so is great.  The lead vocals, the harmony, the organ solo.  All music should be this smooth.

Fist City- Loretta Lynn.  You better move your feet if you don’t want to eat a meal that’s called Fist City. I love her.

Tusk-Fleetwood Mac.  I’ve been listening to this song on repeat for the past few weeks now.  It is amazing and unique.  I am desperately in love with Lindsey Buckingham, so much so that Stevie will never be higher than my fourth favorite member of Fleetwood Mac because I am so jealous of her.  Never mind that he was a total dick, cocaine is a hell of a drug.

Blurred Lines- Robin Thicke featuring T.I., Pharrell.  I included this just to prove that I actually listen to songs from this decade.  This song is hot shit.  It replaced “Get Lucky” as my new summer jam.  I don’t even care if it is incredibly sexist.  It is fun as hell. If you like boobies, I highly recommend you check out the unrated version of the video.

It is pretty impressive that I managed to post 5 songs without even one David Bowie video.  See, I am growing as a person.

BONUS:  This is my favorite song to clean the house to.  I guess don’t listen to it at work or in front of people who don’t like the word fuck. ASAP Rocky is so dapper!

Day 30, Thursday: React to this term: Letting Go

I guess this prompt is supposed to serve as therapy or something.  I will resist the urge to make this about bowel movements and try to BE LEGIT.  Looking at all of those pictures I just posted makes me realize that I need to “let go” of my former life.  I am a mother now, and I guess it’s time to grow up.  I can’t go to ALL of the parties my friends have, I can’t have improptu dance parties after the bars close, and I can’t get AS drunk in the middle of the day as I used to.  It’s hard, because it seems like a lot of  my friends are stuck in this state of permanent adolescence, and I want to go to Never Never Land with them. BUT NOOOOOO,  I HAVE OBLIGATIONS NOW.  C’est La Vie!  Growing up isn’t so bad, I will just take it little by little. I’m still going to have fun, and now a whole different kind of fun with my son.  But I’m telling you now, if I ever get to urge to do whippits and listen to Steely Dan, goddamit  I’m going to do it, and no one can stop me.



P.S. Y’all don’t know how difficult it was to talk about growing up while wearing a little boy’s shirt that I purchased at the Dollar General.

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To Sum it All Up, I am a Terrible Person.


Okay Okay, so I am woefully behind on the Blog Every Day in May Challenge.  But y’all are just going to have to deal with it.  It is not my fault I have a lively and active social life.  Plus, we bought a drum set on Friday, and shittily playing the drums can be a real time suck.  A word of advice for beginner drummers, don’t listen to The Police and try to play along, you will get very discouraged.  Stewart Copeland, I KNOW YOU READ THIS BLOG, I just wanted to say that you are such a stud.  You deserve a pat on the back! Today I give you Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday’s posts all wrapped up in a crap burrito. I will do Tuesday-Thursday  tomorrow.  Let’s get this shit on.

Day 24, Friday: Your top 3 worst traits:

RIGHT ON. Now, this is a writing prompt  I can really sink my teeth into.  It combines my two favorite things, talking about myself and being negative.  SLAM DUNK!   I was so excited that I actually started writing this on Friday, but fell into a fit of idleness and never crawled back out.  I have a lot of terrible traits, some that I am well aware of and encourage, and some that I am probably blind to.  I was half tempted to make a Facebook post, “Name my top three worst traits, GO!”, but in the end of thought better of it.

Let’s see, we all know I’m conceited, and I am judging you right now as you read this. So other than those two deficiencies, I think my top three worst traits are that I am argumentative, a-know-it all, and habitually tardy.  Those are all the makings of a PRETTY shitty person, so yeah, I am the best.  Being a know-it-all and being argumentative pretty much go hand in hand, and makes you THE LIFE OF THE PARTY.  I mean, who doesn’t love the girl who won’t shut up about how Super Mario Bros. 2 is the jankiest of the series.    I JUST HAVE A LOT OF OPINIONS, OKAY.  And, well, I like to run my mouth.  Deal with it.  As for my tardiness, it is my pleasure to quote the great Toto, “Love isn’t always on time.”

Day 25, Saturday: Something someone told you about yourself that you’ll never forget (good or bad)

One time after a performance of a play, this little boy walked up to me and said, “You’re pretty than my mom!”, which is probably the best compliment I will ever receive in my life.

Day 26, Sunday: Something you read online. Leave a link and discuss, if you’d like.

This is nothing new, but David Thorne always kills me.  He is funniest ever.  I can read his work over and over and die laughing every single time.  I will never be as funny and it makes me want to slam my fingers a car door.

http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html

http://www.27bslash6.com/f26a.html

http://www.27bslash6.com/foggot.html

http://www.27bslash6.com/matthewsparty.html

Day 27, Monday: A letter to your readers

Dear Readers,

I am having the BEST time at summer camp.  All the kids are really cool, and I am getting really good at archery!  Me and this other girl in my bunk made a bet with each other as to which one of us would lose our virginity first.  Cross your fingers it’s me!!  When I come back to school in August I really want to carry the air of sophistication that one can only acquire from having awkward sex on a damp blanket in the woods.  Tomorrow night we are having a camp social and I’ve been praying every night that Nicky Thomason asks me to dance.  He looks so good in his jams and his Tony Hawk haircut is the RADDEST.  Though I am having fun, Readers, I really miss you!  You are my best friend Readers, and I will always love you.  These next few weeks are going to seem like an eternity without you! But I’m sure some bug juice will help me get through the pain.  I have to go, it’s time for arts and farts and crafts, and we are making macrame pot holders today!  I will see you soon Readers, don’t forget about me!  READERS+LETTY=VBFFF!

LYLAS,

Letty



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I Ain’t Learned Nuffin’


So today’s topic is “things you’ve learned that school won’t teach you”.  FART.  School didn’t teach me anything.  The only thing I learned from school is that some Native Americans did something called “second harvest” where they dug through their poop to find undigested pieces of corn to eat.  I learned that in 7th grade Texas History but my husband thinks I made it up.  I mean duh, obviously I learned SOME things in school.  Hello, I am writing/typing RIGHT THIS SECOND.

Clearly, I am not really feeling this prompt.  So I will take the slacker way out and just make a list.

Letty’s School of Hard Knocks:

  • Not all drugs are not bad.  Some drugs are great, the key is MODERATION.
  • It is okay to wear denim on denim, do not fear the Canadian Tuxedo.
  • Moccasins are the shit.
  • Dry humping is awesome.
  • Don’t be afraid to say something stupid if you think it’s funny.  The most important thing is to amuse yourself.
  • Always carry lotion in your purse.
  • A smile, especially if you have dimples, can get you a lot.
  • Thrift stores are great.
  • Always, ALWAYS groom your eyebrows.  If your eyes are the windows to your soul, your eyebrows are the fucking curtains.
  • Listening to glam rock gives you a lot of confidence.
  • When in doubt, watch Rocky IV.

I could go on and on, because apparently, I am very sage.  With that, I am out.  Smell ya later.



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Board Games are Dying!


Yes, that’s right.  Board Games are a lost art!  Board games, more like BORED games, amirite?! When I was a wee child, not yet knee high to a door mouse, board games were a thing of great beauty.  Now they are as entertaining as a pile of turds. Okay, that’s not true.  There are still a lot of good board games, but the blog prompt was to rant about something, to get up on my soapbox and say how I REALLY feel.  Well, shit.  If you know anything about me, you know that everything bothers me.  So, how was I supposed to choose just one thing to vomit my opinion all over?  I tried to think of the most trivial things that bothered me, and I decided between either people who act like they are too good to eat at chain restaurants (hello, Olive Garden is delicious, and Red Lobster–cheddar bay biscuits, get into my mouth right now.), or that there isn’t any cool as fuck board games anymore.

After seeing a picture of Kolleen with crimped hair made me want to play Mall Madness, I decided to go with board games.  Really, it is just an excuse to talk about rad board games. Mall Madness, Ask Zandar, Dream Phone, Party Mania, Girl Talk–those games were the shit!  Why don’t they make awesome games like that anymore?  I happen to have two versions of Girl Talk at my house, replete with zit stickers if anyone wants to come over for a slumber party.  Last time I played Girl Talk with people it was on a Thanksgiving and we got bored half way through and decided to change the game to Woman Talk.  Woman Talk just consisted of us putting dares in a hat.  I don’t remember much, but I do recall that lots of gin was consumed and I spent the majority of the time in my bra.  Woman Talk is so risque!

I’ll tell ya one thing, board games definitely don’t have cool commercials anymore.  Just take a look at these gems:

God, this game caused me so much anxiety.  What’s more fun than having a panic attack when you’re 7?

Also, game these days don’t require a ridiculous amount of part and set up.  Do you remember Mouse Trap or Don’t Wake Daddy?  Half of the fun was setting up the game.  Actually, all of the fun was setting up the game, because they weren’t actually all that much fun to play.  I had Grape Escape, and that game had a shit ton of plastic parts, and involved playdoh, which I just smashed into the carpet.

Ah yes, nostalgia.  There are still good board games around, and I am GREAT at all of them.  Seriously, I challenge anyone to beat me at Balderdash or Scattergories.  But, I just miss the epic games of yore.  At least you can still buy Guesstures.  It’s basically just charades, but you can use the clapboard that comes with it to make fake movies with your friends!  All this talk about board games just made me want to get drunk and play games with my friends.  I think I made my weekend plans! Well, the getting drunk part at least.



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Now in 3-D!


Sike.  I missed Saturday and Sunday’s blog challenges because I was too busy leading a life of leisure, so I am throwing three posts, that’s right, THREE POSTS in one RIGHT INTO YOUR FACE.  Let’s get started before I get fatigued.

Day 18, Tell a Story from Your Childhood:

For some reason I think I am supposed to write about a sad moment from my childhood, because the challenge said to “dig deep” and remember details and what I ~felt~.  Well, tough shit.  As I am a human being, I did experience some sad times during my childhood, because who didn’t?  Jeez.  Instead I am going to talk about some of my favorite ~sisterly~ memories.  I have two sisters, my oldest sister is named Lisa, and she has hazel eyes.  My middle sister is named Erica, and she is the Mexican Reese Witherspoon.  There is an 11 year difference between Erica and I, so growing up was awesome because it was almost like I was an only child, except I had teenage girls to entertain me.

Erica was a bit of an enigma to me when I was really young.  She was popular, on the high school drill team, and had her own thing going on.  Her room was off limits.  My older sister Lisa was kinda like a second mom to me.  She used to wake me up in the mornings and help me get ready for school.  This was not an easy task.  I am not what one would call a morning person as mornings are for suckers.  I have very vivid memories of her brushing the tangles out of my hair and brusquely pulling it back in a ponytail while I shrieked the entire time.

One time when Lisa came to pick up from kindergarten, all of my classmates and I were standing around the flagpole waiting for our rides.  When Lisa walked up to come get me, everyone screamed and ran away because I had told them that she was “the meanest girl in town.”  Eh, she wasn’t really all that bad, on the days that we had a particularly rough time leaving the house in the morning, she would take me to get donuts holes and chocolate milk on the way to school.  That is worth a million bucks to a 6 year old.

I never wanted to go to bed when I was a kid, I always thought I was going to miss out on something.  My parents were pretty lax with my bedtime and often times I would get the opportunity to hang out with my sisters and their friends.  When they got tired of me hanging around, my sisters told me if I didn’t go to bed they were going to turn out all the lights and the cockroaches would get me. Thanks, guys. Erica had a high school boyfriend that I really loved.  His name was Jesse and his mom was a veterinarian so he had all sorts of awesome pets at his house.  He was really sweet to me and would draw pictures of Ninja Turtles for me and took to me to meet former San Antonio Spur, Sean Elliott.  A few times Erica and Jesse took me to the jetties with them to wade and collect things for his salt water aquarium.  I specifically remember him having a sea anemone in his aquarium and watching it eat was simultaneously awesome AND gross.  Jesse also helped me make school projects because even in the 3rd grade I was a huge slacker.  He helped me make a diorama for my Kareem Abdul Jabbar report (I guess I was into basketball at the time???) and a sweetass sea otter marionette out of paper bags.   I wanted her to marry him, but she said he was too immature for her.  I can’t imagine what would make her think that.

In general, I have great big sisters.  But, because they were so much older, and because they were a part of my family, they had a bit of a mean streak.  They enjoyed teasing me, and would sometimes play jokes on me.  One time we took a family vacation to Monterrey, Mexico, and somehow we forgot my suitcase at home.  My parents had to buy me all new clothes in Mexico.  My sisters took this as an opportunity to tell me that with my new Mexican wardrobe and because I was sooo BROWN that I was indistinguishable from any other Mexican kid selling chicle, and they would never let me back over the US/Mexican border.  I cried. Excellent work sisters, excellent work. ::HIGH FIVE::

My sisters helped shape who I am today, and I love them for it.  Here is a picture of little Letty for your enjoyment:

Damn, I was cute.

Day 19, 5 of my Favorite Blogs:

This one is easier.  I probably could have done it yesterday, but I was too busy reading Sookie Stackhouse novels (don’t hate) and playing Game of Thrones Ascent. I already mentioned my girl Kolleen, so I going to share some other blogs that I enjoy reading.

Capture

First off damn, I gotta hawk my own shit. Thirtysometeen is great.  It is a guilty pleasure paradise.  I often go back and read our recaps of Degrassi, Skins, and other teen shows and laugh my ass off.  God, we are funny.  We have some more recaps coming up soon, even more embarrassing stories from our readers, plus my fake bro Matthew is partaking in Saved by the Bell Roulette, where he has to recap an episode we picked randomly for him.  Good stuff is coming!

I love reading my friend Lauren’s Blog, It’s Me…The LD.  Her writing is hilarious and full of heart.  She goes from sharing lovely stories from her past to posting Beyonce videos, and that is something that I can really get behind.  I find her everyday adventures engaging, and I could not be more excited for her wedding in October.

My lovely friend Chloe has a wonderful blog called Stitch in the Sea.  She is so inspirational!  In addition to being a tall drink of water, she is a wonderful step parent to two freakishly cute twin boys, and is creative and immaculately dressed to boot.  Stitch in the Sea is a one stop shop for cooking, crafting, AND fashion. Seriously, check her shit out.  I could not recommend it more.  Also, you can purchase some of her awesome, sassy embroidery from her Etsy shop, Stich in the Sea.

I am blessed to know a number of truly funny and skilled writers, and my friend Lola is one of them.  Her blog, Composing Lola, is filled with delightful illustrations and clever anecdotes.  If I could write like anyone, it would be Lola.  I briefly had the pleasure to write with her at our not yet failed parenting blog, Contractually Obligated, and I look forward to her reviving it!  Please write more Lola, the public (me) demands it!

Last but not least, I have to give my childhood best friend Nicole a shout out.  She blogs over at Unfinished Bidness.  She is a new blogger, but is already a skilled and engaging writer.  Head over to her site and give her some encouragement!

BONUS! I highly recommend you read Michelle Mirsky’s essays, No Fear of Flying: Kamikaze Missions in Death, Sex, and Comedy, over at McSweeney’s.  They are heartbreaking and hilarious, and I am in awe of her talent.

Day 20, Get, Real.  Something I Am Struggling With:

This prompt aggravates me. What does “get real” even mean?   Is what I write not considered “real”  just because I choose to keep my topics light hearted and complain about superficial things?  I don’t think that makes what I write any less “real”.  My stupidness is spread far and wide for everyone to see.  While I may not tug at your heartstrings,  I WILL tug at your fartstrings.

That being said, I guess I will try to be legit and talk about something I am kinda struggling with.  Lately I have been feeling a little concerned that I am not spending enough time with Truman.  I mean, I know I’m a good mother, but recently I feel like I have a been a bit selfish with my ME time.  Let’s not get excited now, the boy is not neglected in the least.  I spend PLENTY of time with him, and the kid is slathered with attention.  Just Monday-Friday, I could probably take more time out to read a couple more books or build a really bitchin’ lego tower with him.  When I’m cooking, instead of getting irritated by him stepping on my toes, I could pick him up so he can see what I am doing.  It’s a quick fix really.  That’s why it’s a just minor concern.

Not to change subject but you know, Chad is a  great father and husband, and I am grateful everyday that he supports me in my stupid endeavors.  He knows that I while I don’t have a crazy active social life, it’s important for me to leave the house and hang out with other bozos every once in a while. I gotta say, I am one lucky bitch. Also, I’m extremely proud that Truman is truly the chillest toddler ever, and it’s never really a problem when we go places to hang out with my friends. For the most part, they all think he’s a joy. It probably helps that all of my friends are just overgrown children themselves and can relate to Truman on a truly visceral level, but I appreciate that about them.

So, I guess what I’m really struggling with is having a super swell life.  Golly fucking gee.



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We’re Experiencing Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By.


Today I am supposed to discuss something difficult about my “lot in life” and how I am working to overcome it. Now, I don’t want to sound too much like Joe Walsh, but life’s been good to me so far.  Really, the only adversity that I’ve had to face is being short and not being able to reach the things I want in the supermarket.  This is especially perilous in the yogurt section where I have to stand on the ledge and am in danger of knocking several yogurt containers to the ground with my bosoms.  The worst part about this is, NO ONE WILL HELP ME.  They see me struggling, and they just walk on  by.  Help a height deficient girl out, will ya?

Anyway, so I’ve lived a semi-charmed kind of life thus far (knock on wood), so I am going to talk about some temporary difficulties that have been plaguing me as of late.  I have a raging ear infection in my left ear and it is KILLING ME.  I can’t hear out that ear, so I am constantly going “WHAAA” or “Speak up, child” or my favorite, “Do what now?!”

Seriously though, this ear infection has been a nightmare.  It is so fucking painful, and I had a natural childbirth.  The whole left side of my face is throbbing, all the way down my neck to my collarbone.  It makes it incredibly difficult to be cordial, which isn’t my strong suit in any case.  For some reason (my husband), I put off  going to the doctor because I figured it would just get better.  But no, no, that’s not the way infections work, stupid.  They just get worse, and more painful the longer you wait.  DUH. Last night my ear hurt so much that I couldn’t sleep and I had to watch the Wendy Williams Show in the middle of the night, which is terrible in itself.  “How you doin’?”  Horribly Wendy, I am doing horribly, thank you.

Okay, so on top of my incredibly painful ear infection.  MY INTERNET DOESN’T WORK.  Why am I being punished so?  Has all of my shade throwing finally come back to me ten fold?  Someone was supposed to come and fix it yesterday, but they didn’t come, and in my current state I couldn’t be bothered to call AT&T and have an argument with their automated system.  If you ever want to see me apoplectic with anger, make me use an automated system. I have cried tears of frustration from using an automated system.  JUST LET ME SPEAK TO A PERSON, GODDAMMIT.  Not having the internet at home is a HUGE deal for me, because that’s how I watch TV, and that’s what sets us apart from the apes.  Right now, I am no better than an ape, staring at the wall with my finger in my ear.  I have to write these blog posts at work, which is difficult because I can’t hear, so I can’t hear my boss’s petite feet as she walks up behind me.

So, that’s where I am in life.  I feel a little better now, because complaining is one my favorite hobbies. But If you see me, and I look extra grumpy, offer to take me to get some frozen yogurt or something.  You only live once, FROYO!



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