Tag Archives: play in may

Day 5: Mondays are For Bitching


You may have noticed that there is a jump from Day 2, to Day 5. Well, Day 3 & Day 4’s prompt was a combo entitled, “Cook a Thing. Do or Do Not..there is no Try.” I didn’t cook a damn thing all weekend, I didn’t even try.  Instead, last night I ate a Taco Bell soft taco while waiting in the drive-thru of Long John Silvers, drunk off the entire bottle of Prosecco I downed at kickball. SUNDAY FUNDAYS! I take really good care of my family, y’all.

Today’s prompt is Monday’s Are For Bitching, well actually it says Mondays are For B@#tching, but I never censor myself.  Fuck that.  HI GRANDMA!  Everyday is for bitching as far as I’m concerned.  But, Tuesdays are my favorite day to complain.  I have made the joke, “TUESDAY, more like BOOsday, AMIRITE?” several times over the course of my life. I am using the term joke very loosely here.    I am trying to channel Garfield and get in the I HATE MONDAYS spirit, but it’s difficult as I am coming off a pretty solid weekend. Perhaps this picture will help.

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“I might as well exercise…I’m in a bad mood anyway.” Garfield speaks from the heart.

It helped a little.  Thus far I have had a pretty good day.  I was only moderately annoyed at work, and I consider that to be a huge success.  But there are always things to bitch about.  THE DAY I STOP BITCHING IS THE DAY I DIE.  There is always something to complain about in the mornings. Like this morning,  I was almost thirty minutes late to work, just because I was dragging ass, and then right when I was on the way out the door I had to poop.  Why does my body continue to betray me will ill timed poops? Talk about Benebutt Arnold.  Traitor. I hadn’t even had coffee yet.

Another thing that REALLY pisses me off is I encounter like 50 million 4-Way stops on my way to work.  PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW HOW TO OPERATE 4-WAY STOPS, MAN.  It’s like their brain seeps out their ears when they pull up to the damn stop sign.  YOU CLEARLY GOT THERE FIRST, GO.  JUST GO, ALREADY.  Oh god, and if they try to wave me ahead when it’s not my turn like I’M THE DUMB ONE, that really makes me go full berserker.  Then there are the people who decide to start going when I am already like half way in the middle of the intersection. WHAT IS THAT, EVEN?  4-Way stops really make me wish I was Gambit so I could whip a playing card out the driver’s side window and make the other person’s car explode.  There should be some sort of mechanism in cars that when the driver improperly operates a 4-Way stop, angry bees swarm out of the vents and assail the driver. 4-WAY STOPS REALLY GET ME GOING! Sorry, if I’m all aggro.  The bridge from Electric Funeral is being played really loud right now, and Black Sabbath always gets me all excited.

So, that is my bitching.   My own body/poop and 4-Way stops is what I chose to bitch about today. HMMMPH.  Now you have a small glimpse of what it’s like to hang out with me.  Let’s be best friends.

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Day 2: Define Yourself In an Uncommon Way


Fine, so it is day 2 of Come Play in May and today’s prompt is Define Yourself In an Uncommon Way.  I’m not even sure what that shit means exactly and I am all jazzed up on sugar, diet pills, and a 100 song playlist I made entitled, Songs That Taste Like Cocaine, so I am just going to post the results to some of those Buzzfeed quizzes everyone is all gaga for. Of course I take those dumb quizzes! Come on, I like wasting time just as much as the next person, but I don’t usually share my results because it is not 2004 and I am not on MySpace.

Let’s see, this one is Which Hogwart’s Professor Are You?  Frankly, I didn’t even care to know the answer to this, so I don’t know why I took this quiz.  Oh wait. I know why, because I’m dumb.

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I do love myself! Oh Buzzfeed, you know me better than I know myself. This next quiz is Which New Wave Band Are You? Well shit, last time I took this quiz I got Devo, which was exciting for several different reasons.  This go ’round:

elvis

This result is fine and all, but I would still rather be Devo.  Letty, I know this world is killing you.  Let’s try my hand at Which Britpop Band Are You?  If I’m not Pulp I will jump off a bridge.  Everyone knows how I feel about Jarvis.  He is second only to Lindsey Buckingham in men I adore.

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Well, SEE  Y’ALL IN HELL.  ::Sits down in front of oncoming car::  Just kidding, this is a completely acceptable result.  I love The Stone Roses.  Ian Brown ‘fo life, son.  All right, I am going to take two more quizzes, then I have to do some actual work.  Which quizzes should I choose?  WHICH WILL SHOW MY TRUE INNER BEING?  Let’s go with What Font Are You? WING DINGS OR GTFO.

tnr

 

WELL HELL.  Let’s do one more, Which 90’s Cartoon Series Are You? This should be good.

dog

Shit sandwiches!  I didn’t even watch that show.  This turned out to be a disappointing affair.  I don’t feel well defined at all.  Well, my cheekbones are well defined, that is something.  I do have some good news, last night I learned how to isolate my butt muscles so I can move one cheek at a time. If that isn’t something to celebrate I don’t know what is.

It’s the weekend, enjoy my cocaine playlist!

 

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Play in May! Day 1: Why I Write


All right, so I haven’t written anything here in a while.  They last thing I gave you were Willow themed valentines, which are amazing, and more than a worthy gift.  Apparently the only way I will write is when prompted, so I have joined up with Shelley at Slightly Off Kilter and Evin at Food Good Laundry Bad, to Play in May.  Just like last year, I will attempt to write every day.  You have all been truly blessed, yet again.

So today’s prompt is, Why I Write.  It’s just like these broads to kick it off with a hard one.  I am not entirely sure why I write.  Clearly, I don’t.  I think I write for the same reason everyone does, because I am a really interesting person and everyone should listen to what I have to say.  I am just a goddamn delight.  I am intelligent, funny, and can ramble on about a variety of topics.  I HAVE OPINIONS DAMMIT.  So, that is one reason I write, because I deserve to.

Another reason I write is to spite.  (I get bonus points for rhyming) There are so many fake, piece of crap, wannabe Gwyneth Paltrows out there, SOMEBODY has to battle them.  Bitch, you ain’t Elizabeth Gilbert, and this ain’t Eat, Pray, Love. You can eat, pray, SUCK MY BUTT, amirite? Sometimes, even I can’t believe how mature and thoughtful I can be.  This is why it is imperative that I write and share my magnificent insights with the ~world~.

I also write because I read.  Or rather, that’s my intention.  I am constantly reading things, then thinking, “Well, I could do that.” But, of course, I can’t and I don’t, because I lack initiative. On the flip side, I like when I read something and am blown away by it.  I’ve recently read several books by author, Rainbow Rowell, and she just knocks it out of the park every single time.  I don’t know how to do that.  I don’t even know how to start.  Maybe someday, if I make even the slightest effort, I could figure it out.  For now I will just eat Lean Pockets and watch tattoo reality competitions because that’s what makes me momentarily happy.

For the month of May, I will write everyday.  At the end of the month,  I will feel proud and inspired, and maybe (probably not) I will do something with that temporary motivation.  In any case let’s Play in May, bitches.   Here is a Police video your viewing pleasure!

Axis of Ineptitude
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